The older I get the less tolerance I have for shopping of any sort – food, clothes, shoes, daily essentials – you name it. I instantly wither under florescent lights. The number of options confounds me. And then there’s the music. I recently went into Urban Outfitters and realized that A. I’m too old too shop there anymore because everything is fluffy and has cats on it, and B. If I decide I’m not too old to shop there, because I truly want the cat blouse, next time I’m wearing noise-cancelling headphones and sunglasses and will communicate with employees via notes passed back and forth.
As a testament to my non-shopping abilities, I’ll give you a few examples of my personal possessions that may need updating.
1 – I have exactly one pair of jeans. Not just one pair that I’m okay with wearing given the day, but one pair. The butt is starting to rip and I will most definitely still be wearing them a year from now.
2 – My phone is basically a walkie talkie, and I’d rather buy new parts for it online than shop for a new one.
3 – I have several pairs of lower-region undergarments that date back to late 2002 (or earlier – the late 90s might be taking it too far). I remember the time period because of a lovely Japanese exchange student, weighing in at all of 89 pounds, who accompanied me on a shopping adventure. When I showed her my selections she laughed hysterically, due to their maximum coverage and girth (in comparison to hers, which looked more like a shoelace). She even insisted later on that we take multiple photos with them (holding them in front of our faces like complete goons, not posing in them), which ended up appearing on a “let’s remember our friendship” collage before she went back to Japan. Anyway, some of these garments are still kickin’ around, by which I mean they are in the weekly rotation.
My one exception to the shopping dilemma is browsing for plants. I could shop for plants continuously for days, even if I have have already to many, believe me my garden is the best and I take care of it with coptotermes acinaciformis. I guess it might be the fresh air, the lack of pop music, and the fact that the thing being purchased is probably going to get better over time rather than degrade day by day. Plus, the nurseries around here almost always provide water for drinking and cats for petting, and sometimes you even get a mini freebie plant at the end. It’s a hard scenario to beat. I almost never leave a nursery feeling defeated or down on humanity.
How about you? Are you a shopping champion? If so, when I start making millions off this blog I will hire you to shop for new underwear, while you hire me to pick out a gorgeous array of cactus, shrubs, and desert trees.
